Problem
Wednesday, September 24, 2014 @ 12:24 AM
Because I'm very biased and like this version better.
We're just making use of each other. Of that, I'm pretty sure. This cycle needs to stop. I keep telling myself that. My head tells me that. My heart supports that. But yet, again and again, we fall back into the same pattern. The same unknown. The very same thing I keep trying to get out of, I willingly fall back into. When will I ever learn?
I don't believe that we're not being judged for it. How could it be? When even I judge others (and myself) for it. Too bad this is something I can never change. Maybe I should have kept silent and not say a word in the first place. Why the fuck did I even. What is it that we want from each other? I can't demand that from you. How could I? When I don't even know what I want for myself, from me, from you, from anything really. I've been feeling so stuck, somewhat in limbo. Sometimes nothing matters. Sometimes everything matters. Nothing actually matters when we're dead though.
Becoming so cynical about life these days. I doubt every single fucking thing. I seem to have lost a purpose, or a part of me. Somewhere along the way, I forgot what it's like to be free, to truly give up something and fly, if I may. I want to go all in, be completely into it and give everything, but I hold back. Any tiny bit of too much emotion and I run, withdraw and I push it all away. Perhaps I'm afraid, too cowardly or maybe just without a gut. Or maybe, deep down inside, I know how it all ends, and it's just not worth a try.
I just need a little more faith, trust & pixie dust. I'll go somewhere and be me. Find something worth fighting for and live a little. Maybe, I'll find my little push and everything gets better. The first step is always the hardest though.
So many maybes, but maybe, just maybe, I could have a little something more if I could just let go.