Angry words are Drunken Thoughts.
Monday, January 13, 2014 @ 8:47 PM
Please see title and know that this is an angry post.
I fucking hate my father. And I have my reasons. A thousand and one actually, and with them I can list them all. But the one thing I will never forgive him for is for strangling me.
He fucking strangled me.
But that's not my point today.
I hate him for never being there.
I hate him for smoking.
I hate him for being so fucking selfish.
I hate him for never thinking about others (me, to be exact).
I hate him for being an egoistical ass-wipe.
I hate him for not giving me money.
I hate him for never admitting when he'e so obviously in the fucking wrong.
I hate him for marrying my mother.
I hate him for the questions my
forgetful grandmother asks me every Sunday n times.
I hate him during mealtimes.
I hate him in the mornings.
Heck, I even hate him when he comes home somewhere in the middle of the fucking night.
One can argue that I'm just being a spoilt brat who doesn't get what she wants, and I agree with you. I am one at times, I'm not gonna argue but this is way beyond that.
Have you ever had wonderfully made plans and somehow or rather it gets ruined and all you're thinking is 'Fuck this shit'? My father makes that happen.
Have you ever thought about wanting to buy something so badly (reasonably-priced but you just don't want to purchase it out of your own pocket) and you ask your father and he NEVER (in my fucking 21 years) gets it for you without an occasion? Hear, hear.
Have you ever worried that outsiders think you were from a single-parent family?
Sometimes I feel like an emotional train wreck over my '
daddy issues', like right now. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow, I'd be thinking what the fuck was I doing wasting a few hours of my life over this but right now I just
want to feel like crap over this, because I fucking deserve it. No, not the crap but I deserve to be feeling like crap because that's all I ever feel 9/10 of the time when he comes into the fucking picture.
Deal with it, you say. I can't. Well I could, maybe, but I choose not to. Or maybe I am dealing with it, just not in the conventional way of oh yeah i'm just gonna ignore this shit and move on.
There's a thin line between love and hate. I love my father, or loved, or think I love. All children are born to love their parents, no matter what they do. I strongly believe in that. But that doesn't change the fact that I hate mine 95% of the time. Every time something happens and I finally bring myself to forgive him and move on, he fucks some shit up. It't not an oldest daughter syndrome. There is something wrong with him.
I can't change his lifestyle. I can't change him. I don't even care or bother to try anymore. I just ask that he stop fucking up with me.
You know how some parents can't give time to their children so they give them luxury? I wish to be in that situation with him. Sadly it does not happen that way. It's a no time and no money situation. Not that I want to be spending time with
daddy dearest anymore. What 21 years of this has taught me is that I have to fucking deal with it. I don't care that we don't spend weekends together. I don't care that we don't even see each other for more than an hour in a week. Because it's his selfishness that caused it. And he probably doesn't realise it or more than likely, don't give a damn.
In an Asian society, and the way I was brought up, I'm actually airing our (or my) dirty laundry in public right now. So conservative. But I've had enough and THIS is the way I can actually feel better about this.
So in all, I hate my father. He doesn't deserve this family. And you know how most girls want to marry a man like their father? Or subconsciously look for a man like their father?
I vow to never marry a man like him. I don't want my children to suffer. I don't want them to go through what I did. I don't want them to be growing up in an environment like this.
Much to my displeasure of having him as a father, I am thankful that at least one side of my parental is sane, normal, and the best person I could ever have in my life.