Triggering point.
Friday, June 1, 2012 @ 2:46 AM
I think too much. Overthink. Oversensitive. There are things that I can brush off and ignore but they always come haunting me.
Today's interview sucked. Have never screwed up something so badly before. The worst is not not being able
to go, but to be stuck here doing something I probably dislike. I have whined and ranted and forced my emotions on friends but it doesn't seem enough. I can't get my point across to who it really matters to. Come tomorrow, this will be a thing of the past. I will eat my super euphoria-inducing cake and let it go. But the mind is really complex. Or should I say: "Scumbag Brain"?
The past few weeks I've been pretty much MIA from lectures. Occasionally the tutorials and all I've been doing with that time is stay at home. I can't deal with certain situations, so I avoid. God knows how many times I've done this but as I've said, everything haunts me in the end. Only after feeling so horrible like now over those memories will I truly have let go.
This interview was merely a triggering point. I have so many things in the back of my mind. From the standard worries like money to more unusual ones like the unsightly hair on my body which actually leads back to money cause money can do (almost) anything.
I have worries about school, though I don't show it. And worried about my thoughts because sometimes I think of such pessimistic stuff that it really scares me when I start thinking straight. For a start, I have thought of something so repulsive, it irks me to know that my mind is capable
of such insane visuals. I never want to remember that again but it's already deeply embossed in my mind.
Once again, all these thoughts make no sense and they come out in words that barely makes sense to me at first read.
I'm a worrier. Worrier warrior if you may. I would be smatter than Einstein if my IQ went up by 0.5 each time I worry. I would be richer than Bill Gates if I get $1 per worry. You see the point? Most of the time, this "worry" of mine is over such a trivial matter, I think back months ahead and laugh at myself. Because after all, why worry if worrying does not make it go away?
Yet.