I thought year 2011 would be better, but who am I kidding? The same things are happening. Only difference is that I'm on better terms with my dad now, I don't know for the better or for worse?

It's only January and it's been one hell of a ride. Can't wait for the next 11 months to come.


I feel like whining the shit out of myself. I'm having this episode of really, extremely horrible stomach cramps and there is nothing I can do about it. Popped a pill for "abdominal colic" and convinced myself it's the same as Panadol pink but alas! it isn't. -.-

2.5hours to my CDS research participant survey at 5pm. And I have a Psychology lecture at 6pm. Mummy's coming to pick me at 7pm after the lecture, and off we go to JB for dinner!! :D. Hope the crampszx go away or it'll be a horrible day. Oh why oh why oh tell me why am I not at home sleeping this off!?









I feel very much like this Pikachu above recently. And I don't know why.


I aim to tidy everything. Like some sort of spring cleaning of my room, by 31 January, in conjunction with CNY this year :D.

Also invited the clique over for steamboat which we haven't discussed which date!

Therefore I need a schedule. I have 3 weekends but I think weekends are my nua days and I only work well at night before sleeping or some random afternoon after school. Dividing my room into 3 parts, I will do one area a week! And the goal is to create SO MUCH SPACE, I can put a piece of A3 paper on it, AND have space to do work still.

I'm such a lazy messy person. My future husband got to be neat! Not overly though, I can't stand it.

And this thing/deal with Fatchy.. Hope it works.



I feel a little gastricky now. This sucks cause I had a proper dinner at a proper time. In fact I think I'm getting fatter, again! But whatever.

Okay it's sleepytime. Promised Mummy that I WILL wake up to go down to TiongBahru with her and AhMa tomorrow. Ah food :)


I worry. Is this lookbook worthy?



I don't know what can I do to my background of 'my world' map. I don't have pretty scenery. I don't have blank wall. I can't edit to save my own life. Maybe I should try learning?

My pictures feel so inferior to the ones of established lookbookers. It's almost as if they have personal professional photographers following them everywhere to take such awesome pictures.

Shall seek the opinion of hui tomorrow night.......


I really hate Thursdays. I can't explain. Isn't it obvious enough though? With 2 absents without reason, 3 MCs and reaching at 4.14pm every lesson I ever attend? First to leave, last to enter. It's not the class. It's not the people. It's just the timetable. This is how much it affects me. I tried changing it but there wasn't any available space. Glad I'm already more than halfway done with this CDS. Hope I do well for the test though, I;m sure to do badly in class participation because of my attendance.

Need to start attending lectures too. Must show them all.



You know how I feel every night? So much time alone, in my room. So much time to think, to consider, ask myself what do I want. What do I want out of this thing with x? What do I expect? Well I can't expect anything. Like a friend said, "always hope but never expect". The greatest disappointment comes form expectations. The higher your expectations, the greater the disappointment. Not that the higher your hope the lower your disappointment, but a hope doesn't bring as huge a disappointment as an expectation.

Think of it this way. You expected to get an A for English, but you got a C instead. And you hoped you would get an A, but got a C. Which situation sounds better? The latter right?

This thing with x set me thinking. About a lot of things. I must still like him a little, or a lot somehow, or it wouldn't affect me like how it does now. But I am not expecting anything out of this anymore. I've realised that I may not be the only one. Unless I'm absolutely positively sure, I will not think too much into this. But it's easier said than done. And you know what the only way for me to be sure is? You telling me yourself. Not through text, not through phone. But face to face. I doubt it will ever happen. Romantic dreams must die.



That aside, I've always dreamed of.................okay I'm keeping this thought private ;D


I don't know how I can like someone so, so much but dislike him at the same time. Nothing has happened yet, so far. And I doubt anything would. We'll just remain as friends and I'll hope this friendship doesn't fade away.

It's like SP all over again, only this time it's different. I think I really need to stop thinking. My brain is too much of an obstacle. Sometimes I just think too much into a little thing, and beat myself up about it.



I have a folder titled "Daily Reads" in my IE favourites. I recently added one more to the list so now I have ten sites in there but the ones I really visit are sixbillionsecrets and lookbook. I used to read FML, then I moved on to GMH. Afterwards I found LGMH and starting reading all 3 of them. Somewhere along the way, I think I gave up hope, so I stopped reading the latter 2. Then I felt that FML is for whiny people, there are no real FML stories that really make me think "FYL" anymore. So I kind of stopped reading that too. In that folder, I have a celebrity gossip site and the other FML-ish sites which you can find at the top of the FML site. And a fashion blog....

Anyway. Point of this is, sixbillionsecrets. I can relate to most of what people post. But nowadays people are posting stuff like "if this gets posted i will/won't etcetcetc yadayadayada". I understand that not all secrets can be posted, but those posters are starting to annoy the hell out of me. Not that I can't sympathise with their situation but I feel sort of threatened. I do submit secrets too. Maybe 4 or 5 up till today. Have you ever wondered if any of those depressing suicidal secrets belonged to a friend of yours? One you might claim you know so well?

Something set me thinking. What if I disappeared for a day? A week? A month? Would anyone notice? I tried switching off my mobile a few weeks back. Didn't turn it on for over 24 hours. Maybe I'm an attention seeker in some way. I don't know. But I felt kind of hmmmmmmmz when I switched my phone back on. I'm not a very explicitly emotional person, but it would be nice to know someone cares. By the way, someone, in fact 2 people did notice I was sort of missing... so well :D. I think I'm rambling. I can't seem to sort out my thoughts before typing them out so they're all coming out in a jumbled blur.

In fact I still have a conclusion on my Macroecons article that I'm procrastinating right now. Got to print it later too. And draw 3 graphs.



I will admit. I am not at all times happy with the way I look. I love my legs, I love their length. I love how they look like at certain angles, but at some ugly fugly fat angle I feel so pissed off I just wanna cut off the fats. I think the media is bad. They give girls some sort of a "model body" that is impossible to achieve. I know I can never be as thin as those bitches, even if I could, I wouldn't. It scares me. It feels like a huge gust of wind might blow you over anytime. And my bone structure is THAT big in the first place. Oh I hate my feet. I swear they are 1.5x broader than a normal girl's. FML.

Then there are days where I look at myself in the mirror and love what I see. I see a smile. A real smile. I see happiness. I exude happiness. Only I can differentiate whether I'm genuinely happy or not. I haven't found someone who could see through these layers. I wonder, will I marry the guy who does?

I've known my bitch for 8 years already. I wouldn't say he knows me best, but I feel really, really happy with him. When we're together, I feel like myself. No sarcasm, no lies, no faking. I'm being me, I'm happy, I believe things will go well. It's like spending time with happiness. I think I'm the real me being me the best when I'm with him. We grew up together through all the awkward physical appearances periods and through the obsessions like Narnia and Kim Hyun Joong which I can think off my mind right now.

Sometimes when I take a lonely bus ride home, I think about dumb random moments with friends and I find myself laughing. Or when a current favourite song plays I smile to myself too. I like bus rides, I hate waiting. In the bus I have a lot of time to think. I'm a thinker.

I'm glad, and thankful for the friends in my life. Friends I really trust are countable with just one hand. Friends I often hang out with are countable with both my hands. I'm not a very sociable person, TYVM. But anyway, I'm thankful for them:).

Okay this blog post is really just a procrastination method and something to distract me from my econs article. Too bad it only took like 20mins. Back to work!


I am seriously neglecting this space :(

samantha t.
too tall for my own shoes

1993
☼☼☼

lookbook.nu