Tuesday, January 11, 2011 @ 2:24 AM
I don't know how I can like someone so, so much but dislike him at the same time. Nothing has happened yet, so far. And I doubt anything would. We'll just remain as friends and I'll hope this friendship doesn't fade away.
It's like SP all over again, only this time it's different. I think I really need to stop thinking. My brain is too much of an obstacle. Sometimes I just think too much into a little thing, and beat myself up about it.
I have a folder titled "Daily Reads" in my IE favourites. I recently added one more to the list so now I have ten sites in there but the ones I really visit are sixbillionsecrets and lookbook. I used to read FML, then I moved on to GMH. Afterwards I found LGMH and starting reading all 3 of them. Somewhere along the way, I think I gave up hope, so I stopped reading the latter 2. Then I felt that FML is for whiny people, there are no real FML stories that really make me think "FYL" anymore. So I kind of stopped reading that too. In that folder, I have a celebrity gossip site and the other FML-ish sites which you can find at the top of the FML site. And a fashion blog....
Anyway. Point of this is, sixbillionsecrets. I can relate to most of what people post. But nowadays people are posting stuff like "if this gets posted i will/won't etcetcetc yadayadayada". I understand that not all secrets can be posted, but those posters are starting to annoy the hell out of me. Not that I can't sympathise with their situation but I feel sort of threatened. I do submit secrets too. Maybe 4 or 5 up till today. Have you ever wondered if any of those depressing suicidal secrets belonged to a friend of yours? One you might claim you know so well?
Something set me thinking. What if I disappeared for a day? A week? A month? Would anyone notice? I tried switching off my mobile a few weeks back. Didn't turn it on for over 24 hours. Maybe I'm an attention seeker in some way. I don't know. But I felt kind of hmmmmmmmz when I switched my phone back on. I'm not a very explicitly emotional person, but it would be nice to know someone cares. By the way, someone, in fact 2 people did notice I was sort of missing... so well :D. I think I'm rambling. I can't seem to sort out my thoughts before typing them out so they're all coming out in a jumbled blur.
In fact I still have a conclusion on my Macroecons article that I'm procrastinating right now. Got to print it later too. And draw 3 graphs.
I will admit. I am not at all times happy with the way I look. I love my legs, I love their length. I love how they look like at certain angles, but at some ugly fugly fat angle I feel so pissed off I just wanna cut off the fats. I think the media is bad. They give girls some sort of a "model body" that is impossible to achieve. I know I can never be as thin as those bitches, even if I could, I wouldn't. It scares me. It feels like a huge gust of wind might blow you over anytime. And my bone structure is THAT big in the first place. Oh I hate my feet. I swear they are 1.5x broader than a normal girl's. FML.
Then there are days where I look at myself in the mirror and love what I see. I see a smile. A real smile. I see happiness. I exude happiness. Only I can differentiate whether I'm genuinely happy or not. I haven't found someone who could see through these layers. I wonder, will I marry the guy who does?
I've known my bitch for 8 years already. I wouldn't say he knows me best, but I feel really, really happy with him. When we're together, I feel like myself. No sarcasm, no lies, no faking. I'm being me, I'm happy, I believe things will go well. It's like spending time with happiness. I think I'm the real me being me the best when I'm with him. We grew up together through all the awkward physical appearances periods and through the obsessions like Narnia and Kim Hyun Joong which I can think off my mind right now.
Sometimes when I take a lonely bus ride home, I think about dumb random moments with friends and I find myself laughing. Or when a current favourite song plays I smile to myself too. I like bus rides, I hate waiting. In the bus I have a lot of time to think. I'm a thinker.
I'm glad, and thankful for the friends in my life. Friends I really trust are countable with just one hand. Friends I often hang out with are countable with both my hands. I'm not a very sociable person, TYVM. But anyway, I'm thankful for them:).
Okay this blog post is really just a procrastination method and something to distract me from my econs article. Too bad it only took like 20mins. Back to work!