Monday, December 20, 2010 @ 1:25 AM
Love this picture:)
I dislike it when people stare at me, especially a random stranger. I'd have countless thoughts running through my head. It's something like a self-esteem issue but then again, it's not really. Like, I would wonder, are they thinking "oh, she's so fat!", "hey, that girl is tall", "omg". There are countless possibilities, and I would never know.
This is not random. This group of guys were staring at me as I boarded the bus earlier on. I'm not able to tell myself it's because of my height, because I would never find out. It just irks me when people stare till no end. I really start wondering and become very conscious about myself. Sometimes I may tell others that I don't care but I think deep down, I'm starting to care. Hope I won't let it affect me next time because I really get a lot of stares sometimes!
Just this evening, from this random person sitting at the bus interchange who looked up and looked at me all the way till.... I couldn't see him, and the above mentioned people. What is this.
Thursday, December 9, 2010 @ 6:47 PM
This morning:
8am : ugh
8.15: ugh
8.30: 5mins
8.45: 1min
8.50: I'm aw..........
8.55: REALLY AWAKE
*think*
It's Thursday.
Okay I can make it.
At most I beg the teacher if I'm late by a minute or two.
8.58: UGH FORGET IT, IT'S PAULINE.
But what also happened simultaneously was:
"You might as well drop out"
"Whole day only know how to use computer"
"You are useless"
"Why did I give birth to you?"
"Don't waste my money"
"I promise myself I will not bring you to HK"
"You are a disappointment"
"Why don't you go and die?"
Imagine being me. Waking up almost everyday to such words. We're at our worsts in the mornings. With me being the dead sleeper and her hurling hurtful words, non stop. She may think I can't hear it, but I sure as hell did. And I remember them all.
You know, I really don't mind, and don't care if you leave for work and leave me alone. You say I'm not independent. I can't wake up on my own. I'm a useless fag. "All the jiejies and korkors and wake up on their own". I'm not forcing you to help wake me up. I am grateful for you, I thank all my stars for you. Without you, I don't know how else to survive.
But how can I stand being insulted all morning?
Not as if you don't know me. You think I'm asleep, but I'm half awake, about to get up. Then comes your words. Being me, I would purposely irritate and annoy you. I would pretend to be sound asleep as if I didn't hear anything. I would do the opposite of what was expected. I would make you so fucking pissed off at me, like how I normally am at you in the mornings.
Why must you consistently say hurtful things to me in the mornings? :(