My Grandfather
Wednesday, January 27, 2010 @ 4:32 AM
I did this post days back. But I really want to post it.
"I miss you, AhGong. I miss you a lot.
Walking past wakes. Seeing old men on the trains. People coughing like how you sounded like. Little things that remind me of you. Some totally irrelevant but still, I can't help it. Over 16 years of seeing you every week, everyday when I was younger. Although I don't remember the very long ago things, I know you were there.
I remember vaguely you having an eye operation at the hospital. Me and the rest of the extended family along the corridor waiting.....
I remember you playing mahjong with the adults. They would shift the things off the chair with backing for you to sit. Slowly, your eyesight deteriorated and you could no longer see to play mahjong with them.
More recently, I remember you falling sick, being admitted into the hospital, coming home, sick for awhile, and you got better. You could get up, sit with us in the living room, and laugh. You had the energy to lift your arm to comb your hair, etc. Little actions that showed that you were getting by by the day, bit by bit. Then it all went downhill. Well, not really. Better at times, but mostly ill.
That morning. It was scary. Not because I didn't know what to expect, probably more of a shock, because I was afraid, I don't know. All I knew was that Mummy came into my room to wake me, and she was crying. The car ride was quiet. Them crying, me crying. We couldn't help it.
Me refusing to go and burn paper until a few days later, me refusing to return thanks, me refusing to do anything that would have me go closer to you. Seemed like a long ago now. On the final day, when we left the cemetery, I cried the most, the hardest on the bus. When I got home, I cried myself, almost to sleep. In fact, all I did at night was to cry for the next few days.
Even today, 40 days later, I still cry occasionally. I wouldn't call myself weak. I don't know why I'm blogging about this, guess I just need to let it all out. I hold back tears on the bus and on the train, when I have quiet alone moments. Especially during the days I had to travel for work. I think of you when I'm making my way home at night, when I have nothing better to do.
The thought of you brings me tears, yet it comforts me greatly too.
Although you will no longer be here with us physically, you live in our hearts. I will never, ever forget you, AhGong. I love you."
That day, I was reminded of you again. About when I was young although I really don't remember. Sometimes, I wonder. There's a wake a few blocks away. Really affecting me a lot. I wouldn't say that I won't face it, because I have, it's the 45th day already. I went through the rituals, the burials, you leaving us has been registered in my head. But it's like gone too soon to me. I can't seem to be able to put my feelings into words for this. I have never experienced a death of a family member before. Okay I did. GongGong when I was very young so I don't remember anything at all other than I cried when I had to give up my long knee high socks at that time. Plus, it's a family member so close, someone I see every week.
I would probably never get over it. But as of tonight, right now, I'm pretty determined to do my best at whatever. So that I know that wherever you are, you will be SO proud of me.
Can't help it. Can't help but tear at little things. Can't help but tear whilst typing this. All I can do is think, and cry. Remember, and cry. You wouldn't want this, I'm sure. But it's really herd to control.
Right. Stop. Now. Got to distract myself. Shall go back to worrying about 8am later on.
Labels: grandfather